I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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