At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
