God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
