I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
