i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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