yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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