I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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