i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
