There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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