hell yes lets make some ravioli
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
