Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Vodka?
Forever.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
