You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You have to summon your inner elephant
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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