Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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