I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
