I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
