If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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