I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
