You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
