I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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