I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
