sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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