even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
