Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
