We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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