My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
