Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
