She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
