I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
