I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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