My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
