So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
