Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
what day is it and did you see me today?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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