I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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