It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize