Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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