The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
