You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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