So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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