He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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