my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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