he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize