There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
