Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
