I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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