The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
