MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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