if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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