I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
