I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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