Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
