Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
