My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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