His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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