some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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