mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
