My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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