Cold hands, warm shart.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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