I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
