seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
